Monday, January 19, 2004

About Social Diseases...


Sexually Transmitted Diseases are a real bummer.

The worst part of having an STD is having to talk to all those people you fucked that you never want to see or speak to again.

They should just make nice little announcement cards... you could have a few in floral designs or just plain embossed white with silver lettering... like the announcement cards you sent out to everyone at graduation. Instead you'd open the card and it would read in pretty calligraphy...

"Congratulations, you have herpes!" Or perhaps we could go with a festive holiday theme and message:

"Jingle Bells and all that Crap, Merry X-mas, you have the Clap."


I know you're all thinking ... wait..... is she actually admitting that she had one? I can't believe she's saying that. I'm sure some of the men in the audience are making mental notes to themselves. "Do not sleep with this chick...(long pause) without a condom"

Okay, so I had a small bout of "the" Chlamydia...Okay, I'm admitting it. What's the big deal? It's actually just the head cold of STD's. However, I wasn't aware that the Multnomah County Health Department had
such a vested interest in making sure that all carriers of the disease were tracked down and monitored.

I came home one day to find a phone message on my machine...some woman who was really making an attempt to sound as professional as possible.

"This message is for Imogene. Imogene, I would like you to call me ASAP. I need to talk to you about a 'confidential matter.' I would like to talk to you in private if at all possible"


That was it. That's all she said!


Two words I didn't like the sound of right off the bat... "ASAP" and "confidential." Oh, and "Private." This message was so damn vague. Thank you! What the fuck was this for? A number of possibilities immediately occurred to me...

1.) I had AIDS and they actually read the wrong report to me at the doctors office

2.) Someone at work finally complained about me and my big mouth to HR

3.) Someone found out that I was fucking their husband (unbeknownst to me OF COURSE!) and was trying to track and hunt me down.


So after two excruciating days of phone tag, I finally got a hold of this woman

She grilled me on whether or not I had gotten treatment, and who my sexual partners were and if I'd contacted them or not.

"So, Imogene, how many people do you think you had intercourse in the last six months."

"Does this count people with condoms... I mean - we if we used condoms?"

"I'm afraid it does. Unfortunately... there is a slight chance that you might pass the disease even through a condom."

"So what am I supposed to tell them? Uh excuse me, I don't think this is anything to worry about... but there's a slight chance I may have given you Chlamydia, and by the way you should check yourself for the
CLAP"

"You still need to let any of these people know. After all there is a slight chance. So how many people?"

*Oh shit...I don't know* I think

"Four"... pause to think...

*Oh shit... wait*

"Six... Joe, Thomas, Sebastien...oops... make that nine."

And I think to myself..., *Uhh...Maybe it's time to take a break.*

"Are you sure that's it, Imogene?"

"YES!!! Christ on a Fucking Cracker!!! YES!!!... Wait. I forgot one- John"


The whole time I could tell she was trying so very hard not to use that judgmental tone in her voice... "This girl gets around. She's like rail road tracks in America... she's been laid all over the country"

You see what I did find out from this woman was they actually DO CONTACT ANYONE you don't want to talk to ever again... now if I knew this before... I think this may have been 'useful.' Heh-heh! I can see myself making a few phone calls to the County Health Dept…

"No, I really don't have an STD, Ma'am... I just want to get even with someone."

The horrible thing was even after my talk with her... I kept on getting follow up calls from the Health Dept. An official letter from another person (who I found out later was in the same department) notifying me that I had to contact him about a 'confidential' matter. Apparently he and STD nazi lady weren't on the same page about their contacts. Couldn't they at least get their act together? For goodness sake... I wanted to leave a message on their answering service... "Thanks so much... for making me feel SOILED."

They did everything short of shooting a locator tag up my ass. She's moving to the corner around 21st and Glisan... going into the martini bar... she's meeting with a male... it's been 2 hours... she's had two
drinks... they're leaving the premises, tag & bag, baby!

It would be a better and cleaner sort of world though don't you think... if people who are ummm… 'carriers' actually were 'tagged?' Here's a use for the "DANGER- contaminated area tape."

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