Friday, January 30, 2004

Selecting the perfect porno

On a whim the other night... my significant other and I went to out pick a porno.

This always seems like a good idea at the time... but then when you actually get to the porno-place... or whatever they call those... stores, you have the difficult task of selection. If you have very little experience in these matters, what sort of criteria do you use?

***Excuse me, I want the one where the guys ONLY have big schlongs?.... I mean, BIG-BIG... no, not ELEPHANT big.... How big is yours? ....You know what I'm talking about.***

If you don't spend a lot of time thinking about or obsessing about pornography, then you really have no basis for picking the right one. In my experience, if you're dating a guy who knows his selection really well... extremely well... this is a RED FLAG.... a bad, bad sign... When I guy is a connoisseur of Porno it means one of two things: 1.)His expectations for actual performance are higher than average... and he may have an obsession with types of girls...2.)He is an obsessive masturbator and there's a chance that he's used the magic stick so often it actually is soft when he has to perform.

So on this particular night, we get to the 'Porno-store' and unfortunately it's about 3 minutes to closing time. There just happened to be a dude in the store wearing a trench-coat... and he was this little Asian dude. Go figure.

S.O. says- "I'll trust your judgment. You pick one."

First of all, here's some advice to men, and I'm the first person to admit this... being a woman:
Don't let your girlfriend pick out the porno!

I'm under a little bit of pressure here. Here I am in the "Adult Section" with the little Asian man.
***What should I pick... what should I pick?
***Rubber Fantasy...
***Asian Lesbian Whore Vixens...
***Sexy Panty Thieves...
***This one says Multiple Angles... what does that mean?...Ohhhhhh
***and so does this one...
***Dingo girls or Rapunzel....
---THE STORE WILL CLOSE IN ONE MINUTE. PLEASE MAKE YOUR SELECTION AND PROCEED TO THE CHECKOUT!---
***Shit... shit...shit
***Dingo girls or Rapunzel....
***Rapunzel say it has "Four Hours of Interactive Pleasure".... The cover looks better...okay.
---Do you have one? Did you pick one?---
***Yeah.

We bought it and brought it home...This had to be the worst adult film I have ever seen.
More later...

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