Thursday, February 12, 2004

Changes

I have been reflected over events in my life up to this point. I don't think I've come across any major breakthroughs; however, I have decided that if we don't attempt to see if we need to change every now and then and we keep these needs held in check, change comes around with a vengeance. Last year I decided that I would go through a number of changes.

Namely, letting go of the man I had been seeing for the past five years.

I woke up one morning and found that the creases between my thumb and forefinger were cracked and bleeding. The eczema had actually spread to other parts of my body as well: my elbows, legs, underarms, and my eyelids. It would only be a matter of time before it began to spread in patches on my face. I knew that this condition would flare up when I was under stress and namely when the stress came from the person I was dating. I remember constantly getting this feeling that the relationship was doomed for failure and eventually it would go down like a burning piece of debris falling into the atmosphere and I would erupt into flames along with it. Like many women (or men) I felt that I would go down with the relationship until it was finally spiraled into it's doom. Nice, used reference, Imogene. Now I've got that terrible Dido song about "...going down with 'her' ship" in my head, and I think "For crying out loud get over him already. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME. Obviously it hasn't occurred to you yet that time is not so expendable a resource."

For any woman who considers staying in an abusive relationship (and this goes for men too) because they feel that they will not find anyone better, I would warn them about slipping into the abyss of self-torment and of nights spent being comforted by bottles of white wine and packs of American Spirits, but what good will that do for most people. They will choose their own paths regardless of the red lights and signals they receive. There are a few who have the foresight to see how much they can gain by saying no. They might actually see what damage an unhealthy partnership can do to them. Unfortunately, I was a little slow to learn this.

That morning I looked at my hands and examined the crust developing in the recess of my eyelid and I decided that it was time to move on. I won’t really go into why the relationship was wrong or how it ended. I now think it's pointless to dwell upon these things. The best you can do to deal with that is realize that nothing is ever a ‘sure thing,’ while at the same time you should hold yourself up to expect the highest standards and the best in a partner (if a partnership is actually what you’re actually looking for). If you hold yourself in some esteem, love yourself, take care of yourself, you’ll probably attract the right kind of person... If that's what you truly want in the end.

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