Friday, February 20, 2004

A funny cover letter

Written by someone else. It's good to see what it's like if you don't have a job. Maybe this will inspire me to look for work elsewhere... I don't want to end up like this even if I'm just venting.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the job of INSERT JOB TITLE HERE. You may review my attached resume to learn all about my vast experience and the unique qualities that make me perfect for the INSERT POSITION TITLE HERE.

Of course, there is surely someone more qualified out there. Someone with more experience.
Maybe there is someone from within your company and you've got a policy to always hire from within. Maybe the Executive Vice President's second cousin is looking for a job and you owe him a favor because he never told anyone about the time he found you drunk and naked in the copy room. Maybe some busty blonde slipped naked pictures of herself into her resume. There are plenty of reasons you probably won’t hire me.

But, before you make that hasty choice, let me tell you something. I haven't had full time work in nearly a year. I am hungry. So very hungry. I will do anything to get this job. Have you always wanted to try out your very own casting couch but were afraid of the sexual harassment lawsuits? Don't worry, touch me wherever you want and I’ll never tell another living soul. I don't care if you are male or female; I want this job. And remember, I haven't had a nine to five since last June, so there will be nothing too kinky for me. Cleveland Steamer? I’ve always considered Cleveland to be the most unappreciated American city.

I want this job.

And if I am lucky enough to get this job, I will do anything to keep it. Have you been embezzling money from the company for years, and they are just about to find out? I'll help you cover it up. And if the shit is really about to hit the fan, I'll help you pin the wrap on someone else, maybe that dork in accounting who scratched the paint on your new Lexus when he opened his car door to quickly in the company parking lot.

I'm a team player. If we are on a business trip and you want me to pull a train on that prostitute you brought up to the hotel and are going to expense to the company, I will. I'm just that kind of guy. And if you need someone to tell your wife you really were working late in the office on Friday night? I'll do it. I'll lie for you. My eternal soul is a small price to pay for a full time job.

I need this job.

Is the company to cheap to hire you a personal assistant? Well, I'll get you coffee and bagels in the morning, and pick up your dry cleaning in the afternoon. I'm not really that good at taking dictation, but if you need me to, I'll learn. You drop your pen behind your desk and you need me to bend over and pick it up? My ass is there for you.

Just think of me as that lonely guy in school, that everyone knew who end up marrying the first woman who agrees to have sex with him. I will be as loyal to you as that guy is to his domineering wife. I will still love you know matter how much you abuse me. And if you dally with other employees, buying them lunch in the office cafeteria, or only CCing them on important emails (and those racist/sexist Spam jokes you like to forward around the office) I won’t mind. I'm not the jealous type.

Please give me this job.

Michael G


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