Thursday, February 12, 2004

Is it so inconceivable that I feel like I'm decaying with each day I spend here.... Shit, my supervisor keeps on poking her head in this cubicle. The people I work with are kind folks and in many ways they are very different from the normal sorts who work here. Perhaps they are able to relate to the world and people around them with some humor and a measure of compassion. I don't think I would have stayed in this job as long as I have if it were not for them. My supervisor, she's a little anal retentive. She reminds me of Rabbit from the A.A. Milne stories. She pops in my cube every now and then to ask if I'd covered some detail that was irking her like a burr in her side. So, yes, she is a bit of a micromanager and a fidgeter and her proclivity for double-checking things does get on my nerves, but I did realize after working at this group for some time that much of her neurotic behavior comes from above- from the manager above her who is far worse at the nitpicking game.

It often occurs to me, as you may have read, that I'm being unreasonable, but I walk into work each day my steps becoming more leaden with each one I take up the stairs to our office. I sat in the cafeteria the other day and looked at the basketball courts outside past the chain-link fences. I viewed the outline of the whole campus with its long flat, boxy buildings connected to each other in a ugly circuit. It didn't occur to me until then that from the freeway this place must look like a state institution and I'm not talking about one with Doric columns on the front.

There are times when I sit in this cubicle and feel tears welling in my eyes. I have to turn my chair so I face the cubicle wall and I feign looking over some Flash manual or course documents. I ask myself, what's wrong with you? Maybe you just drank too much soy dream? Maybe you should up your therapy visits to 2X a week? (Maybe this would make you quit your job sooner). Maybe you're just wrangling with the monthly visitor?


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