Tuesday, February 10, 2004


You know the day didn't go the way you wanted it do when the first thing you want as you walk out the door is a big fat cigarette. I've been pretty good about diverting my urge to smoke... even when I've been stressed out.

Cigarettes are such a poor release. When I was a full-time smoker the cigarette always seemed to be a 'friend.' People bothering you? Hate life? Too stressed-out? Have some private time with your friend the cigarette. Guaranteed to soothe your frayed nerves the cigarette calms you and helps you deal with your unpleasant moments. For one, you have an excuse to slip away and avoid what is ever brothering you and often times while you're smoking you're alone or with other people who are just as miserable as you.

I don't chide people who are smoking, because once in a while I will have one socially now. I don't look down on them for using the cigarette for whatever. I do feel that I know exactly why and how I used smoking to avoid some of my problems and for me that's invaluable.

All I wanted today was to run across at least five people who could tell me that they had a favorite poem and why. Oy, this is so impractical! And most people here would frown upon this as being completely unecessary to living. Maybe for them it is. There is no value in being able to recount the first moments when you understood why you were alone. Or how on some days the aroma of sunlight on people's clothing made you think of being in the first grade and laying languidly with your head on the desk while the teacher read the after-lunch story. Why would we want to know anything like that? I had a lot of work to do on this lab, working on these things makes me feel empty. People tell me I should be proud because I work as part of a team that's developing this training for the first time. Me, I just feel bad because my supervisor ask to review my copy because she notices that there are a few more mistakes... maybe there are. I just end up feeling bad because I can't do well at even the most menial things I do at work because I don't enjoy them.


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