Friday, February 13, 2004

Time to examine my head... time to be swimming with sharks

I'm submitting an application for another job... here. If I get it will mean a pay raise, but I don't know what working here will do to my sanity. I don't know what I'm doing. I think last night after talking to a friend of my I developed this acute fear that I would not able to support myself. These things start to wear on you when you pass the 30 mark, and although I did consider that I could 'blow' my way to the top (of some pyramid- not necessarily here since I wouldn't exactly be able to see the faces of whom ever I was blowing over their corpulent stomachs) , I don't think I have the nerve to do so.

Yesterday, I applied for a training developer position at Hollywood Video. Then later I discovered that Hollywood was run prominently by Mormons. Hmmmm... don't they have stock in caffeinated soft-drink companies as well? The point is although I'm not feeling really up beat about working in a corporate environment the reality is there are very few jobs available in this area. Aye, there it is again that terribly practical side of myself who's willing to put aside the silly and creative side of myself in order to assimilate, survive, and prosper.

Really harsh economic times will lie ahead for the NW. We've been living high on an economy fed by the technology markets and now that employment is making it's way overseas. Will we undergo a true 'Depression' as in the 1930's? Will there be seas of jobless folks living on the dole and living so frugally. I used to wait tables on elderly Depression survivors in Chicago. They'd often wander in the restaurant, always addled and would insist on me weighing their piece of cake to make sure they got the biggest serving. I discovered that the leaving of the quarter tip was not a cliché. I was lucky if I got a quarter from these folks. The low economic times and hardships shaped their behavior and even their outlook for the rest of their lives. They made sacrifices and perhaps worked even harder at jobs that were far worse. Many didn't have the opportunities for economic freedom, many more didn't have the career avenues open when you have an education. Maybe I'm unfairly stereotyping that generation. Perhaps when you get older you just become acutely aware of how much money you have left you're just trying to stretch it out as much as possible before you die.

I'm not really sure that I'd even get the position that I'm applying for. I'm just applying to it out of fear. Am I being a hypocrite and succumbing to my fears? If I took that job I wouldn't have as much time to do the things that make me happy namely work on my writing and my humor. But I have to eat, make my loan payments (though they are nearly paid off). The simple answer would be: "I cannot make any money with what I love. So I will have to choose the job that makes me feel soulless and flat." The folks here would argue that I could take the job and just schedule in time for my hobbies. That's a myth! When you work for companies like this one YOUR JOB BECOMES YOUR LIFE. They say that work-life balance is possible. You just have to be extremely disciplined. I can't survive being anally tied to my PDA and Microsoft Project. I guess I don't have what it takes to be successful in this world.

So, maybe it's not a good idea to look for work here. I'm just making the same sort of decisions and compromises to my life I had to make when I was dating Sam. I remember what Buddy Ackerman said in "Swimming with Sharks." and I ask

, "What is it you really want?"

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