Tuesday, March 02, 2004

I nearly lost it today

I feel accountable and responsible for all the things that go wrong. Friday it was a bunch of printouts for a class/meeting that were blank on one side. Today it was a low attendance of a class (though the responsibility should actually be that of those fuckers who decided not to make their commitment and show up to class). These are piddly little things, yet I still feel very, very bad if they don't go correctly. Maybe because it seems that lately these are the tasks which I have become identified with.

There are times when I feel guilty that I can't be that perfect or model employee here who has everything automated, who executes flawlessly all the time and performs all tasks and actions with crisp resolve. Perhaps I'm just exhausted because I haven't figured out a way to balance my time between doing things that I love and need to do for my spirit’s sake and remaining in indentured servitude here at blank-blank. I had to drive off campus to run some errands at lunch. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining for once and the air didn’t feel as moldy and damp as it usually does. I was glad to be able to drive away from the institution, but I felt all bunched up and pent up inside. Beethoven's Violin Concerto was playing on the radio. I put the volume on maximum, and as I sat at the stoplight I screamed at the top of my lungs:

"I FUCKING HATE IT OUT HERE."


I think I jostled the person in the Red Jeep Cherokee who was in the lane next to me. Instead of moving when the light turned green they stayed safely behind to make sure that I was well on my way. Then I realized that I had the window rolled down.

I thought do I really want to work for a company whose has the motto "Only the paranoid survive?" This is an organization where the employees frequently use terms like post-mortem, slower, and SOL in everyday conversations. Did I want this to be my life for the next five years?

I need to make a better plan of how to get out of here. I've tried looking for jobs via the net, via connections, via the paper... I'm always looking, but honestly... there's not much out there and honestly again, most of the jobs out there are ones I don't want. I could go back to school, but I'm almost done paying of my loans from graduate school. Do I want any more of this kind of debt?

I'm still thinking... I'll get there... I've got to keep reminding myself that there are still possibilities.

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