Friday, May 07, 2004

Taking the right path

I felt rather damp and leaden today. I'm thinking that it was the constant grey drip that prevailed in the world outside the conference/classroom window today. Drip... huh? Maybe this whole place is riddled with venereal disease.

I sat there counting Powerpoint slides and recording the times for each. I had spent a few hours setting up the documents and illustrations/slides for this class and then found out that my efforts were futile because someone had made a mistake in the content. At least I didn't have to re-do the whole thing over again. They ate their mistake.

At one point during a class, a man/student asked me if he could leave in the middle of a class. I said that this was fine, but that he would have to wait for the instructor to take a break. I asked him if he knew that the class was being video-taped, and he said to me, "...and this is supposed to affect me in what way?" The tenor of his voice betrayed irritation.

To make things worse, when my supervisor introduced us all to the class she got my title wrong. I suppose that being called a specialist is better than being a coordinator, but to tell the truth all of these titles basically suggest that your role is purely administrative.

Other things went wrong today, other little piddly detail-oriented things which I could have had more control over if I had the time. I sat in the back of the room, feeling drained and hopeless, and for the first time in a long time I felt myself wanting to just let it out and start tearing up. I felt a malestorm of emotion welling up behind my my pale facade. The worst part of all of this for me, is... I don't like displaying feelings like this in front of people I hardly know, especially the people that work in this place, but in true 'company' fashion I kept my emotions in check and just resigned myself to doing my duties.

Mak sent me a quote today that gave me a great deal of hope... a turkish proverb. I read it over a few times through out the course of the day to help me keep my head.

It's better to go back and take the right road than to continue following the wrong road.

I'm going to add to my Litany (from 4/21)

I want to get out of here...
I want to get out of here...
I want to get out of here...

I don't want to feel like I restrained by the choices I have here.
I don't want to feel like my efforts are meaningless.
I don't want to be under-valued.
I want to use more of my skills and talents.
I want to feel like I'm making a difference in other's lives.