Saturday, June 12, 2004

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So I have the first in a series of two phone interviews on Monday. I an hour re-writing a friends resume on Friday. He did give me some good advice...that I shouldn't play the victim as I have been doing so here. Not being aggressive enough about pursuing opportunities and simply just doing what I'm told to do.

I'll tell you though. There's something about working with my supervisor that has always made me feel a little uneasy. She's a nice enough person, and she's very successful at what she does, but there's just two things that I have a hard time with with her:

1.) She's pretty damn particular about how she wants things done (hence she tends to micromanage and not give me opportunties to learn and grow). Though I do think that to some extent she's only reacting to the 'culture' and work environment that exists here.
2.) She's incredibly anal retentive.

As someone else pointed out she's got this high-pitched way of speaking... that sort of office-feminine tone of voice when she wants to express her delight at something. She's got that can-do, smily sunny disposition that makes me feel a little unnerved... and I think for the first year or so that I worked there, she really didn't know what to do with my occasionally sardonic behavior. She's nice enough to me, and she's been pretty supportive, but I've watched how she goes about her business and it makes me feel uneasy. Having every single note or packet squirreled away in the appropriate packet or folder. Also, she knows how to fake knowing something... something I've never been able to do extremely successfuly. I've been setting up some really unrealistic expectations for myself. I've often felt that I don't have what it takes to succeed here because I'm not like her.

Nor am I that perky little blonde who wears her banana republic blue broadshirts and ironed linen slacks and when she walks around the Aveda cloud follows her so her crisp cleanliness shines intensely on people's nostrils where ever she goes... She would never understand my jokes. Not that I'd share them at work because someone would eventually bring the subject up to HR. Not that I stink or anything... I just smell like soap.

I've been psyching myself out for this interview.... doing the regular research by scoping out this groups website and their projects. I've been making up questions in my head for the interview... about the group. I usually do well in interviews when I'm happy or just feel good about myself in general. It's good to know where you're going, or at least get a feel for it. I often think that I would like to have the luxury of being able to choose my job, choose whom I work with. Perhaps I do, but maybe what makes this difficult for me is that I just have to admit that I don't fit in with most people... at least the people who try so hard to appear as if their normal here in this place. I know that eventually, when things are better or I've saved up enough cash I'll have to find another environment in which to work. When it comes down to it, I have to make a choice.

Turn myself off when I walk in the door... or walk out the door forever.

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