Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I think that one of my greatest failings has been that I always assume that logic rules the order of things.
  • People are only good at what they do because they practice.
  • Olympic atheletes must have a set plan in order to get where they want to be.
  • In order to be successful in life, you need to do this and this…
  • If you want to be ahead in your field you should have started when you were very young.

These thoughts run through my head during my most rheumatic moments or moments where I feel the pressure and constriction of fitting in to this strange world where I work. I’m sure that these thoughts promote the twinges of pain that prick at my fingers when they feel fatigued from typing. These are the thoughts that make my knees swell uncomfortably with viscous fluid and my wrists ache (that and repetitive mouse motion).

Recently, I have realized that this sort of thinking can set one in a paralytic stasis or encourage the act of wallowing in an alcoholic haze. I'm not getting any younger, and the drinking thing doesn't seem as cool and sophisticated as it once was. I have also realized that I’m wired to be critical and cautious and although this sort of behavior can be helpful in surviving in certain situations, it can also be debilitating when life requires you to take risks outside of the ‘normal’ path of life. Still, I can see how these critical thinking skills landed me a job in this place.

I have always feared that if I stay in the corporate working environment of Company X I will loose my desire, spirit and ability to perceive the world in both broad and delicate strokes. I will no longer be able to find joy in the acts I once relished: writing, thinking, laughing. The other day after coming home from work, I found it extremely difficult to loosen up, play and just start writing. I couldn’t even get myself to a reflective state as I was so rectally wound up from a day of project planning. I will become a eunuch empowered only with the ability to organize file systems and build database structures or understand the complexities of efficient project planning.

Don’t laugh, but I have decided that I must employ the same sort of survival strategies used by prisoners or victims of torture. I have to do so otherwise I will continue to engage in unhealthy activities to unwind after work (namely drinking). I have to walk into work and tell myself that I am here for a reason. I’m here to get my job done, learn a few skills that I might find useful in my next life. More, I’m going to need to draw out my plans for a new life a little better… or at least allow myself to dream of them without doubt or fear.


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