Saturday, December 04, 2004

I'm sitting here trying to work on the next module of the training materials I'm developing. Sipping a cup of tea and eating a piece of Nazook. The buttery pastry and almond paste comforts me as the flowery tea helps wash it down my throat. Yes, it's Saturday, my friends and I am still working. I'm trying to convince myself I'm living fully by playing a movie and writing in this blog periodically while I struggle to push myself through another boring chapter of Accounts Payable.

Last night before I went to sleep I had this notion... that weird and eerie crumply feeling you get when you're a kid and you know that something is wrong. I remembered going to strangers houses usually the house of a friend then walking into the living room where someone was watching some video about the power of angels or sitting at the table before dinner and having to pray with them. Later as a teenager, the feeling would return when other people my age would try to get me to go to 'special youth meetings.' Where I felt that I was being forced to share my inner-most secrets. Nothing seemed private or sacred to them... as you were supposed to reveal yourself to god before their eyes.

And before I went to sleep it seemed so clear to me... when someone who is so religious encounters something that challenges their faith, they must
get that same eerie feeling. That reluctant feeling...But where does this leave me? Because I have no faith other than faith that people must rely on each other. That people are beautiful, and smart... maybe even compassionate...or at least they can be. It then occured to me that I must no longer be afraid of being overpowered.

I work in a place where people are seemingly rational and diligent. People are supposed to do their jobs unquestioningly. Even if it means building a structure which will eventually exclude most of them. They're hoping while in a state of constant denial, that they will be the 'chosen' few who will have fought and claimed the power to stay. Denial seems to be a pretty strong theme in this environment, but then again maybe if they don't see or are aware of what there is to deny then everything will be okay. I wonder what most of them have faith in.

It's actually quite ironic that I'm sitting here today working as I'm doing so because I spent half the day yesterday applying for a job that I have very little chance of being hired for. Yes, you can say it, I am a job slut.

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